Pretending

I am the first one who is keeping on pretending… I repeat to everyone “It’s wrong, it’s over”, while I am only trying to convince myself. Indeed it’s over, indeed it’s wrong, but why is giving up so difficult? I’m fighting for a lost cause (one my favourite hobbies!) … In my world love is for poets, never the famous balcony scene, just a dying faith on the heaven’s gate… so why is this going on? This sort of overmedication, useless and aching. Can’t stop this pain… I said it never let it happens again, indeed I did, but I did not stop the previous. If there’s a way, please, someone show me, I beg. I must stop this one way feeling, that have no hope (end of hope, end of love, end of time, the rest is silence) to be returned. I carry on thinking that time will fix everything, let him think, let me decide. Who can say why you heart cries as your love dies, only time. Yesterday we said good bye (we were three, if no, it whould had been so different in my own movie). I shook Ing’s hand and asked him a kiss (the only right thing in that evening). He could not avoid it. I skimmed his cheek, so tender his skin, so childish (cieli, ha il braccio più candido del mio!). Our lips skimmed too. If the third wasn’t there, I’m sure, I’d push up. Or maybe not… I’m not like Hana, I can’t say such of thing: “What are we doing?”. If not, I’d be happy now, not begging for a love dead and gone, something useless to suffer for. If you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold, you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they do. But in that sudden istant, I felt how warm his lips were, and how I’d desire a kiss from them. If I remember the ugliness of my first kiss, so wet, so desgusting… now I know that is only a matter of feeling (a matter of chemistry: love is chemistry, sex is physics) and suggestion makes everything looking so perfect. How I desire it, how few chances I have. No chances indeed. He won’t keep in touch, I’m sure. I’ll just keep on counting on the impossible miracle, keep on dreaming sweet dreams about him. Dreams that turn to nightmares when I see how he acts, his awful behaviour… what should I do? Who can say if you love flows as your heart chooses? Only time. So I wait. So still I wait…

If I could only reach you
If I could make you smile
If I could only reach you
That would really be a breaktrhou

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